Back to the Basics, Basics are Back.
I'm bored and I'm tired, and it's America's fault!
What does it say about me that my modeling agents keep quitting? Maybe more importantly, what does it say about the agency?
Before we get into the meat of this week’s newsletter, I have to let you all know that I’m doing a lot better. January stretched on for what felt like forever, but February, as usual, is flying by. Sporadic mild days in the city have filled me with hope that winter is roaring on with an end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, the fleece lined tights I ordered are arriving today – yes, it is still that cold. I continue my exposure therapy with my daily outings, and my anxiety has become a lot more manageable, especially compared to where I was at, when I last wrote to you.
I spent my first month back in the city from holiday break working with a new modeling agent. He had me busier than I’ve been in years, sending me all over the city with exciting new work opportunities; test shoots, castings, editorial bookings. All of this weighed extremely heavily on my recent feelings of agoraphobia, but I pushed myself, because this is the career I dreamt of since childhood – since before transition. While none of this work actually paid, I went everywhere, I racked up my credit card bill with rideshare services, because I still haven’t fully reintroduced myself to the subway. I sat in those cars with my anxious sensations and told myself that I was okay, and I got the work done (and done well, might I add!) And even though I was only losing money, it honestly felt great to prove to myself once again what I am capable of. However that said new agent has already quit… I think he lasted a month? I can’t blame him, it’s not like I was bringing in any earnings for him this month. So add that to my list of trauma and the skepticism I have around this whole industry.
Fashion Week in New York is finally over. Thank goodness for real. I’m not qualified to review the collections presented, and I highly DOUBT that I’ll make it to Europe for the rest, but I have to say, fashion hasn’t felt exciting for me in a long time. New York Fashion week also hasn’t felt exciting for quite some time either, but at least Thom Browne continues to show on the American calendar, so those of us in NYC get something. I missed Proenza’s presence this season, as well as Peter Do. Coach, however, had an invigorating freshness that began to fill the void left in their absence. This was my first fashion week working under new management, and first whilst fully living back in New York, and it ended up being much less stressful than anticipated.
I think the main stress that I was relieved of, was the expectation to walk the runway. I didn’t have a single casting this season, nor did I walk any of the shows. This doesn’t surprise me… as it’s actually more surprising to be requested back to any of these castings after having such little luck at them in past years. Removing that pressure, I allowed myself to navigate the week as I pleased. I attended the shows I was invited to, wore the outfits I was sent, and felt proud of the looks I threw together last-minute. I rubbed shoulders, and had cheeky banter with old and new friends alike. I actually managed to make sure I got back the street style photos taken of me! And panic attacks were kept to a minimum, with the exception of one overstimulated moment before the TWP show. Luckily, Jordan Bickhem’s sleek styling and Colin Jones’ epic opening walk brought me right back to reality, ready and able to enjoy the collection.
My rose of the week was probably night one. I attended a celebration for Paloma Elsesser’s Architectural Digest cover, that was also a fundraiser for LA wildfire relief. It was the same night as the Marc Jacobs show (not invited) but I got to have some quality time with Alex and Tyler before the week got too hectic. My thorn definitely has to be a brand dinner I had no friends at, the girls assigned to sit around me seemed to be friends, but they all spoke what sounded like Russian to each other, and I felt lonely and sad. A man did flirt with me at that dinner, I think the only straight man invited, but he also told me I had frog energy, sooo…
I haven’t fallen out of love with fashion per se, it’s just that clothing doesn’t speak to me anymore. How many iterations of The Row or Rick Owens can a consumer even want? Not to boil it down to such a general blanket statement, but new fashion isn’t even new. Anything exploratory, or remotely cool, is inaccessible or not in production. Moreover, everything I see – from the runway to the rack – really does fall into this spectrum of quiet luxury on one end, and subversive dystopia on the other… and in the end, none of it is subversive or luxurious anymore because of how widely adopted, imitated and reiterated it’s all become. I can’t help but think of Miranda Priestly’s iconic monologue on Andy’s cerulean sweater in The Devil Wears Prada, and the trickle down theory, and how it’s just made getting dressed on a daily basis feel so drab.
I want to wear clothing that makes me feel good about myself, and I want to enjoy, and feel excited by my wardrobe, but I also feel personally attacked by the weather of New York City and its inhibitions on my ability to wear fun clothes. I don’t really want to “dress for joy” when it’s below 30 degrees outside, and when fashion has become such a point of stress in my mind. Because of this, I’ve found myself smitten with being basic. Put me in a pair of jeans and a sweater and let’s call it a day. I don’t need to feel different or special all the time, presently I’m just focused on feeling okay.
At the end of the day, I also can’t help but wonder how much of what I’m feeling is a reflection of our global economy. The financial recession following the global pandemic created a widely adopted return to the basics. Suddenly mousy brown is the most luxurious hair color. Red carpets saw a decline of jewelry adorning the celebrities walking them. The term “recession-core” broke the internet, and “quiet luxury” quickly followed in its place. It’s made me question; were we born into a life of basic-ness, or have we had basic-ness thrust upon us? I’m starting to believe it’s the latter, as the industry continues to force feed us “elevated basics,” and we begin to believe we need them.
In other news, my Cosmo article came out, and I finished off my fashion week by attending the publication’s Love Ball at BOOM (fka Boom Boom Room.) From the sounds of it, the piece was very well received and the talk of the office! I finally got to meet my fabulous team of editors, and secured my invite to come visit Hearst Tower, all while drinking prossecco, and dancing to a live performance from JT of the City Girls. It also was announced by the magazine that I am their newest columnist, so there is certainly more to come from me on their platform! I’m a Cosmo Girl, bitches!!!
With NYFW FW25 now behind me, and what’s left of my team being focused on other girls in Europe, I have some free time on my hands again. I am returning to my new year’s resolutions and attempting to create more, and consume less. I’ve picked up a new hobby, bedazzling. I sat on the floor at my coffee table all day yesterday, and I bedazzled 6 bic lighters. I don’t know that to bedazzle next, but the physical activity is so calming. I enjoy how tedious it is, forcing me to slow down. Also, who doesn’t love a little sparkle in their lives? I also posted on YouTube for the first time in two years, a vlog style “Day in my Life” video. It felt really good to work on a .MP4 file again, and to dip back into a world I left behind so long ago.
I’d like to find a new class to take, or even a little part time job that gets me out of the house for longer, and more regularly. I’m also looking into opportunities for volunteer work. I’m really missing Clementine, my cat who passed away last summer, and I’d love to volunteer at an animal shelter. I’d be happy to clean litter boxes, or kennels, or do anything really. I feel Clem’s absence every day, and part of me thinks working at a shelter would help me feel close to him again… but I also trust that charity work of any kind would feel good. I am a firm believer in volunteering, everyone with the time in their life should partake. Nothing is as rewarding as serving the community, and volunteering is the quickest way that I am reminded of how fortunate I am with the circumstances I was given. It is a reminder to be grateful for where I am at and how far I have come, and it is only a sliver of what I am capable of offering in terms of giving back, and that’s an important reminder too.
So, that’s where my head’s at. Take all of this as you wish. Planes keep crashing, eggs are still too damn expensive, the world still hates trans people, the rich get richer. I’m so tired readers, I’m signing off.
Until next time,
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Xx,
Ella
Wait need to see pics of bedazzled lighters ✨ miss uuu