Dreaming of Men Will Always Turn to Nightmare
an attempt at analysis for my most recent recurring dream
I wrote this as a note, and it disappeared… Not saved as a draft, just vanished. Naturally, this feels like a sign I should craft a long-form post about these dreams. Most things I should do these days, feel dreadful. Therefore, I know I should do them, so here we are.
I’ve been dreaming a lot more, as of recently. Vivid, lucid events that feel so real I struggle to discern dream from reality upon waking. I’m chalking this up to my decreased marijuana intake, especially before bed. Less pot equates to more dreams, and with each passing night, the more lifelike they become.
Last night, I dreamt I was trapped on an island. Not a deserted island, but a private island with a large villa, with no other land for miles. In “Love Island” fashion, male suitors slowly began to arrive at the villa, but they weren’t strangers. They were lovers of past and present, crushes that never became anything more, they were all men I knew from different parts of my waking life. Ghosts of my past. My acting class crush was there, along with my most recent ex, and the guy I was talking to when I first landed in New York. It was as if I was being faced with the task of choosing between them, just like in the competition reality show.
Eventually in dream land, women began to arrive. They were the Love Island bombshells, beautiful, Amazonian, Insta-baddies sent in to turn the heads of each of my suitors. As more long legged, Juvederm plumped, extension donning beauties strolled in, my dream state insecurity began to spike as I experienced each of my suitors reject me for a bombshell… I felt the heartbreak set in within my dream, as I watched each of them go off into romantic bliss with their sexy new women. Even in my dream I felt the tinge of being inadequate.
Defeated, trapped, embarrassed, the only thing my dream self could do was look for an escape. No land in sight, no connections to any outside world, nothing in the villa presented a promising getaway until I found a foil pumping device. What the fuck is a foil pumping device — you ask? (I had to google what the contraption was called upon waking up, because in my dream it was simply the board you jump on in water to get from place to place.) It’s like a boogie board you stand and jump on and it carries you above water, around in large bodies of water… Anyways, I foil pumped away from the private island until I was stranded at sea, no one and nothing in sight except waves, and eventually I woke up.
^Hydrofoil pumping^ Video courtesy of Damon LeRoy YouTube
I woke up from this dream twice actually, once at 5am, soaked in a puddle of sweat, through my pajamas and sheets. I got up then, changed pajamas, went to the bathroom and put myself back to bed thinking it was all over, only to have the exact same dream again between 5:30 and 8AM. I have my bedding, and two pairs of pajamas currently going through their spin cycle as I write to you, because I hate the musty smell of a post sweat-sleep bedroom.
So what does it all mean???? In recent weeks,I had found a dream interpretation book and gifted it to my roommate Allie, so upon my second wakeup, the book was my first stop. In it, I found that dreams of an Island can represent unprocessed feelings of isolation. However, the book covered nothing on rejection, suitors or lovers (real life or otherwise,) foil pumping, or water escapes, so now I’m turning to google.
According to Google AI, dreams about the reality tv show “Love Island” can
“symbolize various things related to relationships, social dynamics, and personal desires. It might reflect a desire for romance, a need for social connection, or anxieties surrounding dating and intimacy. The show's themes of isolation, competition, and the pursuit of love can also manifest in dreams as feelings of loneliness, pressure, or a yearning for connection.”
Feels about right.
To be so honest, I haven’t had an official boyfriend in over two years. My last boyfriend I dated twice, and I’ve spent the last two years processing the trauma of both that relationship as well as making the same mistake twice. Now, having been single for quite some time, of course I’ve dated, and explored the dating pool, but the whole thing makes me anxious and sick to my stomach. Simultaneously, I’m under contract with the world’s biggest sex and dating magazine to write a column about sex and dating, so it might make sense that these feelings and anxieties are creeping into my subconscious and being processed through my dreams.
In a recent meeting with my Cosmo editors, I expressed to them that part of me feels fraudulent writing for Cosmo, considering I still have so much anxiety around dating, intimacy, and romance, but we came to the agreement that the stories from my archive of experiences are important to tell, whether they are current, or ten years old.
I do feel like I’m having these dreams though, from fear around this column and the idea that I should actively be looking for, and working towards my next boyfriend…?
Also according to search engine intelligence, dreams revolving around escaping an island can symbolize a desire to break free from feelings of isolation… fitting. I do feel isolated all the time, whether it’s in my love life, or simply at home as I hustle on my laptop each day while my roommates go to their real, normal people jobs.
I’m still unsure of the significance of the foil pumping board, but in the dream book I did find the analysis for dreaming about a raft, which the symbolism seems similar. Like the niche water toy, a raft also represents an escape from danger, and the material the raft consists of in your dream, can also be symbolic. I think that because my escape from the villa was via foil pumping board, this might signify a yearning for adventure. This contraption is much more adventurous than any rickety raft. In my waking life, I spent my winter months suffering through agoraphobic tendencies, forcing myself into isolation, watching my world shrink smaller and smaller as my anxiety grew. Potentially, the entirety of this dream reveals a need for change in my day to day, progressing away from fear.
To have dreamt this exact scenario twice in one night, genuinely I don’t know what that means, other than needing to be reminded how dire this impending change may be. Maybe it’s time to finally submit my audition for Love Island (which has been sitting completed, and unsent in one of my many open tabs for months now) and attempt to face these subconscious insecurities head-on. Perhaps I simply need to commit to going on a date. There is an evident fear within me regarding relationships and trust, and it’s overdue that I overcome it.
I’m reaching my emotional limit for self-analysis before I start despising the woman I am, so I am going to leave you here. If reading this conjured any hot takes within you, please leave a comment letting me know your thoughts. I’d love someone else to analyze me to compare notes here…
Anyways, I have a draft reflecting on the week I turned 26, so you can look forward to that from me very soon. As well as my next column in Cosmo, which I am working on right now as well! Until next time, TTYL.
Xoxo,
Ella