The Spiral of a Fashion Model
Branching out, getting existential, and my recent obsessions...
Miserable, melting, and mildly melancholic; what the hell am I still doing in New York?
I wrote last week of surviving the death-defying heat wave when I thought I had seen light at the end of the tunnel, but boy was I wrong. I’m barely hanging on here by a thread. I can’t walk more than one city block without needing a second shower and an outfit change, and for a girl in her fifth week of living out of a suitcase, this is simply unacceptable.
No one has taken me to their Hampton’s house, or offered me a ride on their boat, and I’ve yet to befriend a single individual in New York with a pool. It’s almost too hot to venture to Rockaway or Brighton beach, although I’ve toughed it out twice now this trip, and it’s certainly worth it.
I’ve binged six seasons of the Atlanta Real Housewives franchise since arriving here. I’m now sick of it, and have moved onto Love Island USA. I’d say that’s way too much TV time, but there’s hours of the day where it’s simply too hot to do anything else. I play it in the background while I edit the film photos of my friends I’ve taken over the past month, and while I craft my little keychains and bag charms.
I haven’t told many people yet, but my roommate Owen and I are quietly starting a bag charm brand. A passion project until we get sick of this style of crafting, or when the trend fades out…
It started with our mutual obsession for collecting tchotchkes, and adorning our keys, bags, and belt loops with said collectibles. The obsession was further amplified when Balenciaga sent handbags down the runway covered with what looked like the contents of my junk drawer. I loved it, Owen loved it. We wanted the bags, and the keys, and the charms. Gobsmacked by a $5000 price jump for the bag to include the charms, we decided to take matters into our own crafty hands, and make fabulous charms that we design and put together ourselves.
Owen started with sourcing rare figurines online and making some custom charms for his boss, Kim Petras, but I’ve been collecting things all over New York and just crafting in my free time. I think the results are a lot more fun than Balency’s, no shade Demna ;-), and once I’m done making charms for my friends, and start making charms to sell, I feel like the girlies are going to love their 1 of 1 bag charms that are like $25-50 and not $5000…
So… I’m blogging, I’m shooting behind the camera, I’m crafting, but I haven’t had a booking since my Ferragamo Instagram project. My modeling career has been quiet the past few weeks, which is kind of shocking to me considering I thought I was in my EmRata era after The Dare’s Perfume video. Also for the fact that my agents tell me the reason why I don’t work as much, is because I don’t live in New York… but I’ve been living here for over a month now.
I don’t want to sound petty, or ungrateful, as my first week here was so thrilling and fulfilling, but this revolving door of a work schedule is simply not sustainable for my mental health, my personal relationships, or my finances. I’m always in a spiral of existentialism with my place in the fashion industry.
2021 was probably the peak of my career so far. I like to say “so far” because I would like to believe that I have many, and much-more-major moments stored within me for future projects. At the time, I had just become a DAZED 100 finalist, and moved from New York to Los Angeles, for a multitude of silly reasons (breakup, covid, wanting to run away.)
That year, I debuted in Milan for Glenn Marten’s inaugural collection at Diesel. I underwent the top-model makeover, and spent the year going back and forth to Europe for editorials, campaigns, and fashion weeks. Things were so exciting then. Everything was so new. People were just meeting me for the first time and I was fresh meat with fire-engine red hair. I felt like I was just beginning to accomplish a lifelong dream… If only things stayed that way.
Undoubtably, moving to Los Angeles is a bit of a career killer for a fashion model. It’s where the girls go to retire. That being said, I thought I could be a unicorn. I thought I could be one of the rare ones who makes it work, and is getting flown out constantly for big projects, and is booked and busy 24/7.
Unfortunately however, that is not the case, as much as I may project those vibes online. The reality is, most modeling jobs in fashion already have a 95% confirmed cast before you even hear about them. The client has a goal talent they want to book, and if they’re casting for models, chances are, they couldn’t secure their goal talent, or they’re looking to cast a small handful of additional talent roles. The chances are so slim, and the competition is so fierce.
More often than not — heightened in recent years by the pandemic induced recession — jobs I’m working have no budget for me at all. Generally, I’m flying myself around the world, on my dime, and crashing on friend’s couches to be part of projects I’m passionate about being in, “just grateful to be here” vibes. Mainly because for most of my life, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
Sorry to drop the red velvet curtain that camouflages the illusion of glamour we present to the world. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but I genuinely don’t believe that modeling is a viable career for non-nepo babies. Unless you’re you’re the one(!!!) special girl (out of the thousands that subject themselves to each casting season) that the industry chooses to be “the next big thing,” and even that is so ephemeral (how many seasons can you last before fading into fashion oblivion?), you’re hustling on the side in someway or another.
Almost every model I know, who isn’t the offspring of the rich and famous, is either working a “normal” day job, selling their earthly possessions on Depop, doing social media as a job (big one!!!) or is starting a business on the side because there’s simply no stability in this line of work, even for the “successful” girls. This is something I discuss with my therapist quite often, as I don’t think she understands my choices in hustling over pursuing a stable job.
The indefinite spiral of existentialism continues. These feelings are heightened as I write this, because I was optioned for a US Vogue cover that’s currently being shot. I don’t know if it’s clear but I’m writing this from the comfort of Allie’s apartment I’ve been living in, and not on from a Vogue set, so nothing ever came of the “option.”
I HATE that word. I hate it because it sounds like this job is an option for me, something being offered that I can say yes, or no to. But that is the farthest scenario from reality. Being on option, or optioned, means that I’ve been presented to them and they are considering whether to hire or pass on me, and since it was a group cover, probably alongside 20+ other girls.
Of course, I’m curious about who they went with… something I’ll have to wait to find out along with the rest of you, when it hits newsstands and my subscription reaches my mailbox. I do hope another trans girl made it on there with the group, but I know it’s probably not one of my friends since I have all of their locations (I track them like sims) and I don’t see any of them out of their usual places.
It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to be in Vogue. A dream I feel as though I half accomplished in 2022, when my Diesel campaign had a full spread advertisement in Rihanna’s pregnancy issue, but I still feel like I haven’t fully achieved my goal without a booking directly by Vogue. An editorial, please? Is that too much to ask for?
Being optioned for the cover is MAJOR, and I’m trying not to discredit being considered because that alone is amazing, and a win in my book. Especially US Vogue, still helmed by Anna Wintour.
I’ve had my fair share of almost Vogue jobs throughout my career; fashion stories for Vogue Portugal and Spain, beauty stories for Vogue Czechoslovakia and Mexico, none of which have come to fruition, but this was my first option for the American issue, and it was literally the cover!
Luckily, this job has trained my skin to be thicker, and for this type of loss or rejection to hurt less. Being considered means that they know who you are, and you might be considered for something else moving forward. Never forget that. Some may find it delusional to maintain that mindset, but I believe it’s successful in keeping me from falling into deep depressive episodes.
This is surely my longest entry yet, and also the most vulnerable I’ve gotten in my writing outside of my journal. I’d like to leave you with some of my recent obsessions to end this week’s newsletter on a lighter note:
My new Brazil Haviana flip flops — I’ve always sworn off open toed shoes in the past, especially in NYC! But it’s too goddamn hot for anything else, and now I endorse letting your pedicured toes breath!
An Aperol Spritz! This is my go-to summer cocktail because it’s so refreshing in the heat, but I’ve decided recently, they’re the hack to avoiding a hangover! I believe that the soda water element, combined with the ice which inevitably melts, means that you’re balancing each cocktail with hydrating your body too!
Setting off illegal fireworks on the fourth of July, I finally get it now!!! I got to do this for the first time this year and I totally understand the joy it sparks, no pun intended ;)
Waking up at 8:30 and going on a walk around the neighborhood before it gets too hot out
ConBud: the high-tech, legal marijuana dispensary on Orchard and Delancey
CharliXCX following me back on Instagram… What do you mean Charli watched this story!????
Pistachio Ice Cream (the best is from Fluffy McCloud’s in Echo Park, its the only thing I’m craving back in LA, and Van Leeuwen’s has had to suffice for now)
Taking photos on my contax and walking to Sammy’s in Dimes Square to get them developed same day
Filing my nails regularly?? Random, but love acts of self care and beauty maintenance
Taking multiple showers a day… obsessed only by way of necessity
Until next time!
xoxo,
Ella