These Are The Things That Keep Me Going
a favorites list - if you will (not sponsored, just my reasons to live <3)
Hiiii, missed you guys.
I’ve been trying so hard to be productive, and check things off my to-do list so all the plates I’m spinning can be put back on a shelf, in a cabinet, out of sight, and out of mind.
I’m walking the line between continuing to chase my lifelong dreams, and admitting defeat and accepting that it’s time to grow up. Yes, dreams can change, but somewhere along the way you will turn 26 and need to figure out your own health insurance. Is it time to throw in the towel and get a real job? My agents continue to say no, but I’d like them to look into my bank account and try saying anything then. I have $700 to my name, very glamorous.
I’m doing my taxes. 2024 was such a whirlwind, I forgot taxes were a recurring responsibility. I lived in denial of quarterly taxes, and self-employment tax, and now I’m facing the bleak reality that I owe the government (a government that wants to take my rights away, and pretend I don’t exist) so much money.
In light of this nightmare, I thought it might be fun and light-hearted to share the things that have kept life worth living. Everything from songs on my current playlist, to TV shows, books, movies, food, and where I’m finding purpose (and resolve) amidst my own quarter life crisis. So without further ado, here are my current obsessions that made this winter a little less dark… :)
The songs I had on repeat from December through March were…
Overdrive by Katy Rose (from the original Mean Girls soundtrack)
High Fashion by Addison Rae — she’s just speaking my language…
Swap it Out by Justin Bieber off the Journals album (his best)
All of Doechii’s discography, that Grammy performance and all the custom Thom Browne really solidified me as a stan.
Angel Of My Dreams by JADE, pop fantasy.
My running song has been the Sympathy is a knife remix by Charli XCX featuring Ariana Grade… oh yeah, I started running this Winter, it’s done wonders for my mental health.
Not a song, but PODCASTS, wow… I love listening to someone else think, so I don’t have to!
My absolute favorite is Gabby Windey’s Long Winded. Gabby herself could be a standalone favorite on this list, she’s so relatable, but also so whimsical and often rambles onto tangential thoughts and streams of consciousness that make me giggle.
Speaking of, my close second favorite podcast has been Paige DeSorbo and Hannah Berner’s Giggly Squad. They’re the girls who got me to start watching Summer House, because I was just so curious in seeing their roots in the public eye. They’re silly and spot-on with their commentary, and I love that their podcast feels like hanging out with your girlfriends. Honestly, add to my list of obsessions the para-social friendship I’ve formed in my head with these women.
Through the darkness, I binge-watched all of…
Only Murders in the Building — I’m so late to the game but this was such a feel-good show. It’s the kind of thing your parents love too. Fun for the whole family :-)
Summer House — Thank you, Giggly Squad. This show has made me so excited for the warmer days ahead. I too, want to darty (day party) with my friends in a giant summer house in the Hamptons. I’ve never been.
High Potential — Another feel-good detective comedy you can enjoy with the whole family.
Long Bright River — My most recent binge. Amanda Seyfried, you will always be famous and gorgeous to me. And I will always have a twisted love for some SVU style drama.
Traitors S3 — WOW. Just wow. Thank you for introducing me to Gabby Windey, and Carolyn Wiger. This continues to be my favorite competition reality show, it reminds me so much of the game mafia, I’d play at summer camp growing up.
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City S5 — The drama!!! Their personalities!!!
I’ve been reading the same book since Summer, my attention span clearly not at it’s prime. But it’s Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black by Cookie Mueller. It’s short stories from an OG it-girl and muse. It reads like Julia Fox’s Down The Drain I wish it hadn’t taken me six months to finish, and I have to apologize to Dylan Rheinghold who lent me her copy back in August.
Onto food… my actual lifesource.
My Van Leeuwen “Sicilian Pistachio” ice cream… It’s the best I can find on the east coast, except I can only buy it from the bodega where it costs $3 loss. I miss my LA favorite, Fluffy McCloud’s. They have the best pistachio ice cream in the world, I’m convinced.
Making pesto rice, a la SQIRL, the restaurant in LA. You literally just add pesto to your rice. It’s good with an egg for breakfast, or a protein like chicken for dinner.
Another thing I’ve loved making is a prasini salad. I just learned how to make one, and it’s quite quick to throw together. Romaine, dill, scallions, and feta, lemon juice and garlic dressing. It’s sooooo easy and fresh and bright, it just makes me happy I could eat it for days on end.
My one dinner out for the season was at Little Grenjai in Bed-Stuy with my roommate Allie and our friend Lydia, which reminded me that I deserve to live my life and enjoy moments with friends. We had the chicken wings, pad-thai and steak, and the food was worth writing about. The atmosphere also, was quite welcoming and casual for an anxious girl like myself. I will be back as soon as I’m feeling more financially responsible.
Random obsessions giving me purpose, and a will to get out of bed everyday:
Getting out of my apartment, and out of NYC, and realizing how nice it is to exit my safe space. I took an overnight trip (just to New Jersey) with my roommate who runs
, and we went sourcing for her inventory. It was just so lovely to feel so capable, and so free.My return to YouTube. Truthfully, I let an ex, and separately, an ex agent, get in my head about being a YouTuber pre-pandemic, and it made me walk away from the platform entirely for over two years. In this dark, cold winter, I found myself missing it, and going back into my archives and watching old videos as if I was reading an old diary of mine. I missed having this highlight-reel of my life, and the craft that I put into making each video.
So, I made my return. I want to approach it differently this time, and still keep things “refreshingly honest.” I don’t want to promote overconsumption with numerous hauls and unboxings, nor do I want the content to solely be a highlight-reel. I prefer the idea of a true diary. This is what I’m up to, this is what I’m feeling and thinking about through these experiences, occasionally touching on how the fuck did we even get here? and showing not just the good, but addressing the bad, and the ugly as well.
I’ve also been loving social media as a platform for educating myself. I think I’ve finally grown the self awareness to pull myself out of doom-scrolling and refocus to watching more long-form teaching videos. The most interesting to me have been individual’s content focused on their side hustles: How I Make $20,000 a Month in Passive Income type beat. I’m willing to try anything, especially creative, so even I have taken my shot at self-publishing low-content books on Amazon.
C'mon side hustle! Get into the planner/journal I'm designing! Available on Amazon soon! Work days at Mary’s house. I’ve really been practicing my exposure therapy with leaving home, spending full days out, and I’ve even ridden the subway alone a couple times since our last check-in. However, my favorite way to spend a day recently, is with my freshman roommate, Mary. She’s a sister to me and such a grounding presence, I love hearing about what’s going on in her world, and her house is only a 20 minute walk away, which is beyond ideal. I visit her on the days she works remote, and we grind away on our computers. I edit my YouTube videos, do my writing, apply for real jobs, and we listen to music or have the news playing quietly on the TV. I feel so much more productive there, as I work through my quarter life crisis and try to land on my feet again.
Modeling work has been picking back up since fashion month ended, although none of my jobs have been paid. I still enjoy the job because it’s an opportunity to feel collaborative. I’ve reached a point in the career where I feel like I can have a voice on set. I feel liberated to say what I think looks good, and even pitch ideas for shots from the mood board. I love spending any day creating something with other people, it just feels good, so it doesn’t always have to pay. Although, when your net worth is under $1000, they kind of do… So bring on the campaigns or mama is retiring to an office jobs with BENEFITS! Don’t think I’m not applying! That’s another huge part of my work days at Mary’s. I’m scouring the job listings and drafting cover letters, honey!
One thing I’m not obsessed with recently is the job market. We don’t need to dive into that, but I do think I’m more of a commodity than these hiring managers are giving me credit for!
Another recent obsession of mine is upcycling the older pieces in my wardrobe (mainly the hot pink and bright yellow garments I find myself wearing less) and dying them with black rit dye. They come out charcoal grey, and indigo, and deep violet, and they get this whole new life in my closet. Also I really feel like indigo and violet are my colors, they bring out the hazel in my eyes and the pink under my freckles.
So, this is where I’ll leave you. Creating more, consuming less. Getting out of the house and trying to live more intentionally. Cheers to better, and brighter days ahead y’all.
All the love,
xoxo
Ella
needed this 💌
loves it !